while you were sleeping [at the wheel]

a,

the town of rye, ny takes things very seriously. idling in your car is illegal, and everything is recycled. you can't get out of the car in the loop in front of the school, nor can one open the trunk. every house is equipped with an evacuation box, and a red bucket that's for your clothing when there is radioactivity (too bad you can't fit your whole self in there, i say. she laughs but i know she isn't listening.) only one parent per household works in the city, just in case. everyone has at least one hybrid car, and nannies are a step up from a designer bag (stephanie has her bachelor's and is helping me before she gets her masters [What??]. oh, that's nice... well, lexi is in her last year of med school and speaks french!) dishwashers are run after 7pm (the electricity rates go down!) and the house is kept 2 degrees cooler when the children are at school.

at catholic youth basketball, amidst a staggered audience of ashed wives whose husbands are still at work, i overhear that "mine's gone for 6 weeks. yah... to see her family. well she hasn't been home in 5 years, so. and she's married, so you know, see her husband. i'm ok, though."

i wonder who i will be when i'm done here.

i'm very sensitive, and i so appreciate kindness. i really do. i suppose kindness is love in its simplest form, to some degree. these children do not say please or thank you, and they tell me what they want at all times. their jackets, bags, hats, shoes, all strewn about-- and it takes as much energy to ask them to do it themselves over and over as to just do it myself. but i ask them anyway, because otherwise i'm not doing any good. i'm just doing.

the first mountain i must conquer is their insatiable dishonesty. i Hate that.

i miss my nephews. my sister has grown the most beautiful and magnificent tiny men. slightly stepford, actually, and such a stark contrast to this madness.

i'm sorry. i'll stop about all of that. although, as one final thought... they broke my heart a little bit today. my first attempt at making lasagna... and while it came out absolutely delicious and amazing, they hated it because it had spinach and zuchinni in it. the mother sat and allowed them to tear it and me apart. then she asked me to heat up frozen sausage patties for them. i wanted to vomit on her.

all they want is frozen meat products.
yet she insists everything be "organic". bullshit.

there was a bright side to today. i made it to manhattanville and met with my professor, jonathon tropper, who is certain my script will sell. he has two producers and his agent to hand it to. he got me excited enough that i wrote the entire story, and will have the script done by end of week. he wants it asap so he can pass it on. i am thrilled not only because of what he said, but because he lit a fire! i was into it today, like i haven't been in so long! it felt great. it felt... natural. so right.

strange, though, walking the halls of a tiny place i called home for 4 years, searching for a familiar face and not finding one. i'd wanted so badly to sit in on writing classes, but duty called and there were frozen chicken nuggets to make.

have you ever investigated meditation? there is something in you that wants to be quelled, i'm sure of it. your body and mind want peace.

you are beautiful when you smile, a... but i wonder what you'll look like when you're truly happy. i suppose i'd have to shield my eyes for fear that nothing would ever equate.

sorry for droning on and on.




i so look forward to seeing you.
-s