...and it really is.

the night turned day was rough to rougher. surprising my brother, the last to know i'm home, and then having him not say a word to me until this morning.

so, what's the plan? 

he stood in the door way to the attic room i'd slept in. i don't know yet, courtney, i said-- picking up my things, but as soon as i do, i'll let you know.

well, are you gonna get a job?

yup.

doing what?

i don't know.

i walked downstairs, and he up, to his office. i didn't see him again.

this theme is recurring. it often feels i'm a man who's been thrown a fish so many times, and never been taught what a rod was. i'm hungry, i'm hungry i beg

yet they're pockets are long emptied of fish,

and no one has time or want to bait a hook with me. and they blame me

for my hunger, they blame me

for not knowing how, on my own.

a tired metaphor.

i left with my mother. insisted upon leaving. got in the car and moved her purse to the floor. she got in

excuse me! she said, picking up her purse and setting it between us, 

you can always sit in the backseat if my purse is in your way.

trust me, i said. i know.

and so sat and heaved the quote of the day (displaced to the back of the bus for a purse) until lunch, after i'd spent hours on a project idea and allowed my mind its reeling...

i'm talking too much, and too loud, probably, about the economic crisis and other things, to my mom at a restaurant. the people behind her get up to leave, and the woman stops at our table and says

"excuse me, i'm sorry... it's just, you're a very smart person. i've been listening to what you've been saying-- and you've really got some good things to say. you're going places, i know it!"

i: completely taken aback and surprised

i say i'm sorry i was talking so loud! and she says no, no, i enjoyed it. my mother says:

she needed that, with a smile. and the woman walks away.

wow, i say to carol- eyebrows still raised- my life is So Weird!